Alone

I am writing this in the wake of my anxiety post – still very much in the storm. It feels like there is a looming weight and ever presence shadow around me. I am still weary, but some things have changed.

Monday, I had a beautiful counseling session, where we dove deep into the Word of God. I confessed how I felt alone. I know “God will never leave me or forsake me”, yet in the anxiety, the lie said “I am alone – The Lord is disappointed in me – I don’t have anyone who understands”. She challenged me to “walk by faith, and not by sight” (or feelings 😬) and look at the God of Elijah (1 Kings 18-19). I decided I was going to fill myself with God’s truth.

I wrote out Psalm 103.

I did a Bible App devotional; panic to peace.

I watched a Louis Giglio sermon… but about halfway through, my heart began to race, I started sweating, I felt nauseous, my hands went numb, and it felt like everything was closing in.

How could this be?!?

I had been feeding my mind with only truth and was allowing myself rest. What was I doing wrong? Is my faith not strong enough to fend off the panic that seemed to grab a hold of me so easily, and without warning? (-More guilt-)

Why? What was God trying to show me? How can I possibly grow through this situation?

But then, something truly amazing happened.

During my panic attack, I called my sister. She has dealt with anxiety, and she’s my go-to gal. She is able to help me calm down. BUT, she was busy! Oh great! Now I am alone.

I remembered that another sister of mine had panic attacks as well. I don’t enjoy sobbing on the phone to everyone, but this felt like an emergency, and I needed someone. She picked up, and only after one ring. The water works began, like gushing hoses. She encouraged me, guilt free. She shared with me how she had needed medicine to help her during a particularly difficult season in life. Sometimes our brains misfire, and we need assistance to get through.

I decided it was time to seek medical help.

I had an appointment scheduled with my holistic doctor, but it wasn’t until next week Wednesday – 9 days away. Waiting is difficult with panic attacks – maybe I am supposed to grow in patience 🤷🏻‍♀️ – … I called their office again and left a message. I cried in desperation for anything they could give me in the meantime.

I had been away from the family, trying to calm down from this panicky feeling, for the past hour. I had relaxed a bit, but was still very frazzled. I quoted scripture, I did breathing exercises, but I was still having lies and panic flood my brain, leading to more physical issues.

I called my DO’s office. I was transferred to the nurse triage. The voice on the line was that of a cheerful, calm, sweet woman. I sensed, through the conversation, that she was also a believer. She comforted me, and shared how she has mental illness and has needed medication. Like my sisters reminded me, sometimes a chemical imbalance takes place. This should not bring guilt or shame. Just like other illnesses, it can just happen. I got an appointment scheduled for two days later (Wednesday).

The nurse challenged me to set up a “panic game plan” for when I feel another attack coming. In some cases, you may need someone to come and help with the kids. I called my mom. She quickly responded she’d love to help and has a pretty free calendar for the next few weeks.

I then called my homeschool Director. I nervously and sheepishly explained, that I was not able to commit to tutoring my class on Friday’s community day. I felt terrible and embarrassed. She responded with such love and understanding that I cried even more. Not only did she say that she will ask someone else to cover the next couple weeks, but she also said that she will assign other moms to be my children’s guardians on those days, so I can drop them off and have alone time. Wow!

As I left the confines of my room, I felt guilt that I had needed so much time away from the children that evening. My husband called them all to me and asked if they were disappointed in me or thought I was a bad mother. They replied that they understood and had been praying for me, and thanked me for being such a great mom. -more crying- (Really, with the amount of crying I’ve done in the past couple weeks, I am surprised I’m not a shriveled raisin. 😂)

I was so concerned of judgment, I never expected all of the love and care everyone was showing me.

The next morning, I received some texts and calls, all within a matter of an hour.

It started with a FB message from a friend I haven’t spoken to in years. She shared how she was praying and thinking of me after reading my anxiety post. I got a similar message from another woman at my church. Then my good friend (the director) texted and said her daughter wanted to give me her spot with the holistic doctor. We were mid-conversation when that very holistic office called me, and said that they could move my appointment up to this Thursday – 6 days earlier than originally scheduled. Then I got another call from my primary care office: One of the doctors had read my note the triage nurse left, and wondered if I would like to be seen today! Yes please!

Finally, my eyes were opened:

Tabitha, I will never leave you nor forsake you. I love you. I will provide. See how I care for you, my child. My plans are higher than your plans, and My thoughts are higher than your thoughts. Look at what I have done.

Your Heavenly Father

1- I now have two sisters who I can talk to who know how I feel. You are not alone. You are loved.

2- Out of the 74 triage nurses who could have taken my call, I got the one who is a Christian and has mental illness. You are not alone. I will provide. 

3- I have family who will drop what they are doing to help if I (drop my pride 🤦🏻‍♀️, and) ask. And my mom, who normally is super busy, has two weeks completely free. You are not alone. You are loved. I will provide.

4- The homeschool family is just that; a family. They care for the individuals before the education. Another sub will graciously and eagerly step in and fill my place. I will have 3 hours to care for myself. You are not alone. You are loved. I will provide. 

5- I saw godly growth in my children. As a mother, this is one of the greatest of all blessings. They understood I was going through something, and they knew where to turn: to the One who heals. You are not alone. You are loved. My plans are higher than your plans. 

6- 2 friends sent texts of encouragement. You are not alone. You are loved. 

7- One right after the other, my appointments were moved closer. I will provide.

God’s blessings are not unique to me. No! This is how it is for each of us! I had been so focused on myself, and my guilt and pity and anger, that I forgot to see what God was doing! He heard each of my cries. And He interceded for me when I didn’t have the words. His promises are true! Everything He does is to bring us closer to Him, for His glory. There can be peace and joy amidst the hurricanes. I need to stop being like Peter – who in seeing the size of the waves crashing around him, took his eyes off of the One who controls the storm. Forgive me.

Abba, Father,

I thank you for the greatest gift of all; your son Jesus Christ. I thank You for Your genuine and unwavering love – full of compassion and mercy. I praise You for taking our cares, for You care for us. Thank You that You will never leave us. Even when we don’t understand, You are taking the mess, and using it for Your glory. Remind us of Your blessings, for they are there, if only we pause and look.

We pray all these things in Jesus’ most powerful name,

Amen.

Deuteronomy 31:6-8, 1Peter 5:7, Hebrews 4:16, Micah 7:7, Psalm 55:22, Romans 8:28, Philippians 4:6-7, Isaiah 41:10-13, Matthew 14:22-36, 1 Kings 18-19, Psalm 103