Today I write in a humbled spirit. I have been living in err and until today wasn’t fully aware of it.

Thank you, Lord, for using different things to engage my attention.

I know I am blessed. I hear how American’s make up the top 1% of the wealth of the entire World. In an article I read posted in 2019, the mean yearly income of the world is $2,000. ( http://www.sportofmoney.com/how-rich-are-americans-on-a-global-scale-very-rich/) Wowza!

There are so many various factors and the cost of living is so very different as well. America also has a majority of the millionaires and billionaires, so that boosts our stats as well. But even so, the statistics state that there are some people living on less than $2,000, if that is the mean of ALL incomes. To live in America has so many privileges.

I am a huge fan of America and all that it has to offer. The American Dream is real and attainable… yet it is this dream that got me twisted in my thinking.

I grew up in a family of 14. My dad worked hard to provide, and we always had our needs met. God truly provided and gave us above and beyond what was necessary. But I had felt like there were certain things I would have liked to do or have that I couldn’t. I began to see things as I grew older that I wanted, and the wants began to turn into “needs”.

I need a house when my first child is born.

I need to give my children the best of everything: opportunities/food/clothing.

I need to appear successful.

I need, I need, I need…

I need to buy [whatever] now on Facebook Marketplace or else I won’t find a deal like this again!

… I need a Costco… (Not just the items, I want the entire Costco. I want to live in a Costco. 😂) I had to give up going to Costco because we would always walk out with at least 10 items more than we went in there for. And I say I gave it up, but really, my husband just didn’t renew the membership. What a wonderful store of incredibly made items at wholesale prices. Isn’t this a place where “needs” are met?

Sorry about the rant. “My name is Tabitha, and I am a shopaholic”.

Lately we have really needed to change the way we live. I know I have developed terrible habits. When you just swipe a card and then voila, it’s payed for, I never felt the squeeze. But each transaction was my husband’s hard earned money being taken for granted. The finances began to cause more and more arguments, until my sweet husband just stopped telling me where we were at because he wanted me to have whatever I wanted. My ignorance and desire to keep up appearances was bringing us down a trap I was completely unaware I had been leading my family.

We had two car payments, two credit cards, a house payment, and roughly 5 tv subscriptions that we new we were paying for… a who knew how many more “free trials” we had forgotten to cancel as well.

Though my husband is an amazing budgeter, he was married to a wife who thought it was more a “guideline instead of actual rules”. Grocery shopping was always over, but “I want to buy only the healthiest products for my kids”.

When shopping, I hated when my husband would ask, “how much do you think you’ll spend”. I didn’t want to be limited. I felt no matter what I would say it was probably too much. And no matter what I responded, the total inevitably exceeded that.

I was totally in the “gimme” mentality!!!!

I am embarassed to confess all of these things.

I have listened to Dave Ramsey and both my husband and I were raised on his principles. I know what budgets are and their benefits and importance. But it wasn’t sinking in.

Until today…

I’ve been slowly working through the devotion Steadfast by Courtney Doctor. It is divine providence that after another disheartening look at our savings account that I got to this exact part in the study.

Let the lowly brother boast in his exaltation, and the rich in his humiliation, because like a flower of the grass he will pass away. For the sun rises with its scorching heat and withers the grass; its flower falls, and its beauty perishes. So also will the rich man fade away in the midst of his pursuits. 

James 1:9-11

It’s tempting to trust in money for our security, rather than trusting in God.

Courtney Doctor

I dove even deeper into the note in my Bible on this passage. That’s when God really grabbed the reigns of my heart. I was shocked:

The church is to be a “counter cultural” community, which reverses the values of the world. Given the context, James seems to be saying that the challenges of poverty and wealth may be one of the greatest “trials” for Christians, as would be suggested by his immediate emphasis on the “blessed” status of those who remain “steadfast under trial”. James also echos Jesus’ warning that “You cannot serve God and money” (Matthew 6:24)

ESV commentary

The struggle between poverty and riches is a trial! It is riddled with temptations to be like the culture we live in, instead of being set apart. “The love of money is the root of all evil”. Are we aware of when we cross into the “love” of money?! The ever pressing desire to have more and more. The belief that our security is found in money will continually let you down and leave you discouraged and never at peace.

Ladies and gentlemen, if you have adopted any of these mindsets, then like me, it needs to change. And it won’t go without temptations. Even as I write this, I just received an invite to go to a Just Between Friends sale with my wonderful sisters. The struggle is real!!!

I have lost sight of what is good and true and have replaced it with greed and sin. For what? Momentary pleasure?

I am tired of living disappointed and strapped. I have been freed from bondage. Let’s not put ourselves back in!

Truth time! … I have avoided writing this post. It took another panic attack (just moments ago) to motivate me to write. I have wrestled with the question, “How can I write about the ability to be fearless, when I live with mental battles?” But today, as I had my panic attack, I felt it was the time to write again. I may live with moments of fear, but I will no longer be afraid to write.

Panic translates,

“sudden uncontrollable fear or anxiety”.

“Sudden”… “uncontrollable” … How can we possibly live a life fearless?

We may have different opinions on this question. So here’s where I stand… 😬

Do the research yourself.

😂

But really, make sure that anything anyone says lines up with God’s word. We must evaluate everything. No one here on earth is perfect. Though I write with the best intentions, I may make mistakes. Please let me know, with grace, if I am flawed in my thinking. We should all seek to grow in Christ and our understanding of Him and His word. 🥰

Story Time!

My children spent all day playing in the beautiful sunshine. They ran all over the yard. As they ran, they left toys strewn all over our property.

Time flew by, and before they knew it, dinner time had come. It wasn’t until just before bed that we realized all of their toys were still outside. It was late, and the sun had already set. Most of the items were in view of the porch lights, yet some were just past it’s rays. My eight and nine year old children were filled with trepidation and wouldn’t go into the dark. I said, “Don’t be afraid! There is nothing to fear! I am right here. I won’t let anything happen to you. You need to trust me.” And yet, they were still afraid.

All throughout scripture God tells us, “Do not fear”, “do not worry”, “be anxious for nothing”. These are commands. As I look at it from the paternal side, I see it as a loving phrase, wanting only good for us. God desires that we turn our eyes away from what is unseen and look to Him. Fear is “an unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain, or a threat.” In most cases, these feelings rarely come true. My panic and anxieties have lied to me over and over again. As I become more and more familiar with my stress triggers, I will also be able to discover the lies riddled throughout, and thus fight them head on.

According to mind.org.uk, a few causes of stress may be:

• Feel under lots of pressure

• Face big changes in your life

• Are worried about something

• Don’t have much or any control over the outcome of a situation

• Have responsibilities that you find overwhelming

• Don’t have enough work, activities or change in your life

• Experience discrimination, hate or abuse

• Are going through a period of uncertainty

Many of these deal with unknowns; waiting for outcomes, worries that may or may not happen, and things completely out of our control. I can attest to feeling the weight of many, if not all of these at some point or another, and in the moment they feel overwhelming – unbearable really!

Indulge me if you will, and look at your own stressors. Pinpoint just one. Got it? Good. Now let us listen gently to what our body’s are trying to tell us. What is the origin for our stress?

A triage nurse (may God bless her) shared with me a piece of helpful advice. “Visualize your anxiety,” she said. “For me, my anxiety is an agitated and impatient child who acts in outbursts and explosions when I don’t listen to him.” She described to me in detail, as she personified her feelings. Depression was a old woman in a rocking chair, and each emotion was given a name. As she felt her stressors from any of the emotions, she wouldn’t back away and try to shove them down further, but would lean in and allow herself to listen to what she was needing. Had she been too busy she hadn’t given herself time to rest? Was she comparing herself to somebody else? Are bills stacking up and she’s been putting them off? With everything that came up, she gently and gracefully (and imaginatively and privately… 😂) listened to her body’s concerns. By doing this, she was able to remind herself that she was in control of her emotions, not the other way around.

My panic attacks have been linked to very physical issues in my body. My hormones and thyroid have been to blame for the majority of the attacks. (Note: If you’re like me, vitamins, supplements or medicines could prove helpful!)

It is comforting to know, as I could feel my chest tighten, that there is a chemical imbalance in my body. And though I was discouraged, I felt better knowing the source. But can I live “fearless”?

I went to my room crying and looked over numerous verses that included the word “fear”. One of the first to come up was 2 Timothy 1:7.

“You were not given a spirit of fear, but of power and love and self control.”

It is not God’s desire for us to be afraid.

It is also not God’s will for us to do things alone.

How many times have we gone about our day, week, month, years – totally oblivious to our need of God’s help… until our breaking point. With 5 kids and a husband, that point may come a lot sooner than others. 😂

Can we eliminate most of our fears by being in constant fellowship with Christ Jesus through prayer and His word? Life is busy and seems to pull us all over – it seems as if out of our control. Would it be worth it to spend 10 minutes a day with God if it lessens the blow of the panic attacks? God wants to be our aid and our protector. One of the greatest ways He showed this was by sending His son for us.

Imagine as a parent the thought of your one and only child, whom you dearly love, choosing to die so that others could live. As a parent, we would rather the punishment be laid upon us. Jesus knew that He would need to pay the ultimate price to give us salvation. What pain God the Father must have felt, as He watch His son, Jesus, be born, ridiculed, beaten, and killed; all to save all sinners who would believe. Now try and wrap your mind around this:

“Since he did not spare even his own Son but gave him up for us all, won’t he also give us everything else?” - Romans 8:32

Isn’t that incredible?!? God allowed His one and only, dearly beloved son to die for us! How can we shy away from asking God for help? Why do we try to make it on our own? God has already given the greatest thing He has for us. What else could even compare to the treasure that Christ is to God? This should give us joy, that our requests are not burdensome to God. He desires to hear from us! It was for us Christ died. Jesus died to show His great love for us! His love so pure desires to carry our yokes, and give us relief and peace, which passes understanding.

I praise the Lord for my panic attack. I was able to go through the emotional roller coaster proclaiming that I am not afraid. It is possible to have a panic attack and shift the focus from fear to peace.

Going back to the story of my children, it wasn’t until I ventured out into the dark with them that they truly felt courageous.

You are not alone.

Lean on your friends and family. Join a Bible study. Write a blog. ☺️ Share your hurts with others, and rejoice in your victories – no matter how small. Nothing happens without a reason. I pray that you will be able to look back on your trials with praise, seeing that they had been an opportunity for growth.

Though I may not know you, I pray for you. You’re not alone in your battle.

Remember, “God will never leave you or forsake you”. ❤️

Waiting Well

Who is God?

What is God?

Is there a God?

These are just a few questions that many of us have tried to figure out. How you answer these questions will also shape how you face circumstances and trials, as well as how your view yourself in life.

“God, I pray for Your words, as I try and write about You. May nothing I say turn people away, but instead, may we grow closer to You. Please, reveal Yourself to us; that we would know You more. Bless each one of these readers in a great way this week. May You be honored and glorified through it all. 
It’s in Your name we pray all these things, 
Amen.”

In today’s day and age, the names of God are more commonly used as a curse word, than to refer to the sovereign deity that He is. Society tells us “to each his own” or, quite the opposite, “you must agree with my beliefs”.

Hollywood cannot seem to figure out who God is either. I’ve seen a movie portray God as a woman. In another God came to Moses as a child. And another, the “god” figure (should that be upper case? 😬) passes his powers to man to allow him to try running the world. Whether or not the movies were good or bad is not the point. It just seems like many are unsure of who God is.

Despite being a Christian, I cannot say I know God completely. Recently, in these past months, I have seen that some of my own perceptions of God were lies. I’ll get to a couple of big ones, but before I do, there are a few things I will begin with.

The apostle John, who traveled with Jesus, wrote this:

Jesus did many other things as well. If every one of them were written down, I suppose that even the whole world would not have room for the books that would be written.

John 21:25 NIV

This is how feel when describing God… you just cannot speak of His entirety. There are some things we may not know until we reach Heaven. But isn’t that a wonderful thought? We can spend all our earthly lives searching and learning who God is – unwrapping more of His character – and yet still be surprised with new revelations. That right there is a glimpse of the depth and fathom of God. Wow! That is a BIG God!

I love visuals. So what image can we place with God?

The book of Revelation, also written by John, paints one of the best pictures of God. Here is one descriptive passage. (Bear with me… it’s lengthy… 😀)

And the first voice which I (John) had heard, like the sound of a [war] trumpet speaking with me, said, “Come up here, and I will show you what must take place after these things.” At once I was in [special communication with] the Spirit; and behold, a throne stood in heaven, with One seated on the throne. And He who sat there appeared like [the crystalline sparkle of] a jasper stone and [the fiery redness of] a sardius stone, and encircling the throne there was a rainbow that looked like [the color of an] emerald. Twenty-four [other] thrones surrounded the throne; and seated on these thrones were twenty-four elders dressed in white clothing, with crowns of gold on their heads.

From the throne came flashes of lightning and [rumbling] sounds and peals of thunder.

[Day and night there was praising] “Holy, holy, holy is the Lord God, the Almighty, who was and who is and who is to come.”

[…] the twenty-four elders fall down before Him who sits on the throne, and they worship Him who lives forever and ever; and they throw down their crowns before the throne, saying, “Worthy are You, our Lord and God, to receive the glory and the honor and the power; for You created all things, and because of Your will they exist, and were created and brought into being.
‭‭

Revelation‬ ‭4:1-5, 8, 10-11‬ ‭AMP‬‬

Goose pimples, anyone? What a sight! And what an image, that all the angels and saints in Heaven worship and adore Him! They never tire of singing to Him, nor does God ever do anything undeserving of praise. Wow. I’d highly recommend reading Revelation to any who haven’t. It’s a deep read, but it is strewn with passages of God’s control and His love for people. We even read numerous verses that remind us that even the devil has to answer to God. Sometimes I forget that Satan cannot do anything unless “God allows”. Remember that.

Let’s look at another passage.

We all know the story of Moses and the Ten Commandments. But did you know that Moses had physical changes by being in God’s presence? Yeah! Get this –

When Moses came down from Mount Sinai with the two tablets of the Testimony in his hand, he did not know that the skin of his face was shining [with a unique radiance] because he had been speaking with God. When Aaron and all the Israelites saw Moses, behold, the skin of his face shone, and they were afraid to approach him.

Exodus‬ ‭34:29-30‬ ‭AMP‬‬

Moses was glowing because of God’s overwhelming brilliance! What an image!

God is holy. God is worthy of all praise. God is Almighty. God Is – He has no beginning or end (Isaiah 40:28, 57:15). God is the same God today as He was with Adam and Eve (Malachi 3:6). God is love (1 John 4:8). God is just and fair (Deuteronomy 32:4).

And the list goes on.

When we view God, I pray you do not make the mistake of picking and choosing which feature/s of God you’d like to believe – that fit your desires – and disregard the others.

I did.

I believed the lie, that God’s love and mercy is conditional. I felt unnecessary guilt because of the pressure I was putting on myself to “be” and “act” a certain way to deserve His love and grace. This may be how it feels with the people around us, but God never stops loving us and His love never changes. God’s love for King David is the same love for me. I cannot earn more love. I cannot lose His love. You and I are loved the same.

I also was deceived into thinking that if God is love, then bad things should not happen to me. I equated God’s love with the love I have for my children. I would never allow them to have physical harm, yet how can God? Doesn’t He love me and my family more than I ever can? If I am a good Christian, fully trusting and serving God, and if I have faith, my family and I would not have pain or suffering.

Oh boy… That mentality is awfully close to believing that I had control over God’s plans and decisions for my family’s and my life. -Eeesh…😬- In a sense, I was trying to play “God”. Yikes. That’s cringeworthy for sure.

My counselor sent me a sermon by Pastor Brad Bigney called, Jesus in the Storm. I would highly recommend it! In it he said this,

“If you’re thinking ‘His presence with me, and His love for me, would never allow me to go through a terrifying storm’… if that’s your starting premise (theory), you will regularly fight horrible, scary thoughts about your Savior. ‘I guess He’s not good. I guess He doesn’t have power.’ You keep holding on to the ways you think it should be, instead of the ways He said it would be. This negative thinking only exasperates the storm. You keep trying to live by your own premise, instead of laying hold of a precious actual promise. You’re premise will fail you over and over again. His promise never will.”

He also added a quote from Elizabeth Elliot, which I also find so fitting,

“Elizabeth Elliot looked for answers (as to why her missionary husband was murdered) in the Bible. She read through the entire Scriptures. She concluded, “God is God. If He is God He is worthy of my service and my worship. I will find rest nowhere but in His will. And that will is infinitely, unmeasurably, unspeakably beyond my notion of what He might be up to. God is the God of human history and He is at work continuously, mysteriously accomplishing His eternal purposes, in us, through us, and for us and in spite of us. For us widows, the question as to why our husbands should be speared to death was not one that could be smoothly or finely answered in 1956 nor yet silenced in 1996.

Elizabeth Elliot had the proper perspective of God. We may go through things here on earth that seem to have no positive reasoning, and yet God is faithful, and His promises are true.

It is like the Pointillism paintings. These paintings are made up of many well placed colored dots. Close up, things seem disconnected and messy. And yet, as once you take a step back, the picture is clear, and wonderful! We are the dots! All we see around us are other spots. It doesn’t seem to make anything remotely “good”. But God sees the end result. We know that “ALL things work together for good, for those who love God and are called according to His purpose” (Romans 8:28). We will see the beauty once we get to Heaven. We are part of a magnificent masterpiece.

Ending with the beginning in mind, I’ve titled this post, “God of the Storm” for two reasons. On one hand, it refers to God – the One who is our Rock and Fortress. In Him is eternal victory and freedom in every storm. The title is also there to make us think – if my focus isn’t on the Protector and Provider, and the correct views of God… what have we put in His place? What is your “god (little “g”) in the storm”?

I hope you search the scriptures for yourselves, and let me know your answer;

“Who is God”. 

Waiting Well

Over the past 5 weeks I’ve had little to no energy to do anything. One thing right after another has kept me physically down. Most recently, a bad cold has been going around our household. I am slightly embarrassed to say that it has been a ‘movie marathon day’… over the past few weeks…

I feel like I’m stuck in this constant state of “bleh”.

At this moment, my one year old is in the nursery screaming because she doesn’t feel good and certainly does not want a nap. I’ve heard torture prisons have used babies cry’s to break down the captive. It is working here! She’s been waking up consistently over the past few days, in the middle of the night. If I get her out, she is content, but then she wails even louder when I lie her back down.

I am so depleted.

“Through it all, It is well”.

Do I mean that?

I am the first to admit, my perspective has not been great. It would be hypocritical for me to write as if I can advise you on anything. I haven’t figured it out. Again, I am a mess. I do believe there is a reason that I am dealing with each issue. But instead of me spouting out who knows what, I searched the scriptures to see what “godly living” looks like. What is the proper response to this season?

Give Thanks Always

There are numerous passages commanding to “Give thanks to the Lord”. I just picked a few. I look forward to the time when thanks pours out without as much prompting, and worry has no place. I love what Lysa TerKeurst wrote,

“The truly thankful person is a truly peaceful person. They have made a habit no matter what to notice, pause, and choose. Notice something for which to be thankful. Pausing to acknowledge this something as a reminder of God’s presence. Choosing to focus on God’s presence until His powerful peace is unleashed.”

“Always be joyful. Never stop praying. Be thankful in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you who belong to Christ Jesus.”

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 NLT

“Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done.”

Philippians 4:6 NLT

“Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good! His faithful love endures forever.”

1 Chronicles 16:34 NLT

“And give thanks for everything to God the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ.”

Ephesians 5:20 NLT

Be Heaven Minded

“Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need. So don’t worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today’s trouble is enough for today.”

Matthew 6:33-34 NLT

“But they delight in the law of the Lord, meditating on it day and night. They are like trees planted along the riverbank, bearing fruit each season. Their leaves never wither, and they prosper in all they do.”

Psalms 1:2-3 NLT

“Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect.”

Romans 12:2 NLT

“Carefully determine what pleases the Lord.”

Ephesians 5:10 NLT

“May all my thoughts be pleasing to him, for I rejoice in the Lord.”

Psalms 104:34 NLT

“Think about the things of heaven, not the things of earth.”

Colossians 3:2 NLT

Troubles Are An Opportunity For Growth

“Dear brothers and sisters, when troubles of any kind come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy. For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing. If you need wisdom, ask our generous God, and he will give it to you. He will not rebuke you for asking. God blesses those who patiently endure testing and temptation. Afterward they will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him.”

James 1:2-5, 12 NLT

“We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance. And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation. And this hope will not lead to disappointment.

Romans 5:3-5 NLT

May these verses help to remind you, as they have me, what our response should be. If you’re like me, giving thanks, being Heaven minded, and looking at obstacles as opportunities does not come naturally. But I believe that God is working in each of us for amazing things. May we look back at these seasons of difficulty as a pivotal point of change. The world needs more godly men and women. Let’s be the change we hope to see.

“Always be full of joy in the Lord. I say it again—rejoice! Let everyone see that you are considerate in all you do. Remember, the Lord is coming soon. Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus. And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise. Keep putting into practice all you learned and received from me—everything you heard from me and saw me doing. Then the God of peace will be with you.”

Philippians 4:4-9 NLT

“I pray that God, the source of hope, will fill you completely with joy and peace because you trust in him. Then you will overflow with confident hope through the power of the Holy Spirit.”

Romans 15:13 NLT

Waiting Well

It seems like the past few weeks have been trying, to say the least. As much as I wish I could avoid hard times altogether, you and I both know, we just can’t. So instead of wishing they didn’t happen, I need to embrace them as a part of life.

Knowing that it is a fact of life, maybe I should change my outlook on them. Is it possible to be thankful while in difficult times? I admit my initial response to that question is that of Toy Story’s Forky, “What? No!!”

But the truth is, we can! It seems our trials are pointing to darkness and despair and void of hope, and yet, we can still find something positive to be grateful for when we try.

God never gives me something just to break me down and hurt me. (If that’s who you think God is, I have a blog coming soon to shed more light on the Abba Father of the Bible. 🤗) Everything happens for a reason.

So it is time to change my outlook.

My counselor challenged me to look at my obstacles as opportunities. “What is God trying to teach me?” “ How can I grow through this time?” “What is God doing?”

God is doing a work in me. In every situation, God is using it to grow me. While He works on me, He is also giving me the desire and the power to do … Whatever I want? No! “To do what pleases Him”. When I choose to trust God’s process, I am equipped with the desire and the power to bring Him honor and glory through it all.

This is so encouraging! Anxiety lies! But God never does. When I begin feeling those anxious thoughts, I need to remember, God has also given me the power to do what pleases Him.

The following verse goes on to describe how our response should be.

“Do everything without complaining and arguing, so that no one can criticize you. Live clean, innocent lives as children of God, shining like bright lights in a world full of crooked and perverse people.”

Philippians‬ ‭2:14-15‬ ‭NLT‬‬

Whoops… 😬🤦🏻‍♀️

Welp, no better place to start improving than the present.

Going through difficult times with a Christ centered outlook (which, again, He promises to give us) is what separates us from the nonbelievers. We are the lights! God has set us in the place in time so others can observe how our behavior in the face of trials is different.

God’s work in us has the potential for amazing things!!! We can go places, do things, and reach people that we had never thought possible. There are no “impossibles” for God. Even in my trepidations, isn’t it cool to think that each of us can do something incredible for God? There is a peace that comes from knowing that God sees the grand scheme and is working towards something more than we ask or even think.

Here is another motivational reason to glorify God even when it is hard:

Our children are watching. If you don’t have children, think about the children you are around. Kids are like sponges; they soak up everything around them. More so than words, they learn from our tones and actions. They duplicate our behaviors and responses. I will be the first to admit that what they copy from me is not always for the better.

As we go through tough times, we need to remember that each moment is a teaching opportunity. This does not come naturally for me. I tend to hide away in my room when I am feeling stressed, angry or hurt. Sometimes, it is necessary to cool off, so please, go somewhere alone to confess and cry out to God for help. But won’t it be more beneficial to the kids to see you stop what you’re all doing and pray together, as a family? What will they learn if you resolve conflicts in the correct way, in front of them?

It was during one of my panic attacks that I gave this a try. As I wept in front of my kids, I began expressing, as best as I could, and with age appropriate discretion, the lies that I was feeling. I concluded with the phrase, “But God is in control, and He has a reason”. A couple days later, as we exited the grocery store, trudging through the bitter Michigan snow and cold, my daughter began to complain. “I don’t like the snow. But, … God is in control, and He has a reason.” – GASP – God allowed me to see firsthand the result of living (and processing) trials in an upright way. It is our job to train them, in all areas, in the way they should go, so when they are old, they will not depart from them (Proverbs 22:6).

Sometimes, I know I won’t have the words to say. And that is 100% ok. May we show ourselves grace. Maybe what the current situation calls for is a sob session like David wrote. Throughout Psalm we read lament after lament and question after question. David is a great example of approaching the throne room, with all of our flaws, completely vulnerable before the Lord. But how does He conclude most of his prayers?

His questions remain unanswered and yet, the response is “I will put my hope in God! I will praise Him again — my Savior and my God”.

David chose to place his hope in God. He knew that God was at work at something beyond His understanding. David chose to praise Him, despite the circumstances.

This week as trials come, I pray that you and I would view the season in a positive way. Please, if you think of it, pray for me as well. Especially since this is not my go to response, it will take some mental shifts for sure.

Remember, you are not alone. I am so grateful to each of your encouragement. And we have an almighty and all loving Father working in us, who will never leave us.

Have you ever had to wait? Of course we all have. Waiting Stinks!!!! Patience is not an innate trait we are born with. As I listen to my children I see how true this is. “Are we there yet?” “How much longer?” “Is it snack time yet?” “Why is everything ‘an hour’?” It is a challenge to wait, and be still.

I am so grateful to have found the cause of my anxiety! Yay! … So… let’s just be done with it, right? I am so tired of the physical and mental issues, and the disruptions they cause. Why can’t I feel better right faster?!?

In some situations, there may never be an end. Some health issues leave permanent damage. And in a way, all of us have had a taste of this. Each one of us has had to deal with the Covid pandemic. How many times have we said, “I cannot wait for this to be over and go back to normal”. But… what if this is the new normal? What if your current health or financial crisis is the new norm? How do we respond? What if I did not ever fully recover from panic attacks and health issues?

I am ashamed to say that I have viewed my circumstances in such a selfish way. I have complained on a daily basis. I feel I need to apologize to you. Thank you for your understanding as I hurt and mull over it all. I found I had begun thinking with such bitterness and anger. It dawned on me that this was not helping the situation at all; in fact it was making it worse!

I am writing this post as a reminder for myself. I feel my thoughts are lucid and I am able to articulate truth. Panic and anxiety bring such false and foggy thinking, I want to be able to pull this up as a helpful tool when I slip back into the negative thoughts. If you are also able to benefit from this as well, I am overjoyed.

Over the next few weeks, I am going to dive into the benefits of “waiting well”.

I was able to see multiple benefits of “waiting well”. So I decided to break this up into a few different posts. They are:

• There’s a Reason for the Season
• Growth
• God of the Storm
• Fearless

So, let us begin…

I am writing this in the wake of my anxiety post – still very much in the storm. It feels like there is a looming weight and ever presence shadow around me. I am still weary, but some things have changed.

Monday, I had a beautiful counseling session, where we dove deep into the Word of God. I confessed how I felt alone. I know “God will never leave me or forsake me”, yet in the anxiety, the lie said “I am alone – The Lord is disappointed in me – I don’t have anyone who understands”. She challenged me to “walk by faith, and not by sight” (or feelings 😬) and look at the God of Elijah (1 Kings 18-19). I decided I was going to fill myself with God’s truth.

I wrote out Psalm 103.

I did a Bible App devotional; panic to peace.

I watched a Louis Giglio sermon… but about halfway through, my heart began to race, I started sweating, I felt nauseous, my hands went numb, and it felt like everything was closing in.

How could this be?!?

I had been feeding my mind with only truth and was allowing myself rest. What was I doing wrong? Is my faith not strong enough to fend off the panic that seemed to grab a hold of me so easily, and without warning? (-More guilt-)

Why? What was God trying to show me? How can I possibly grow through this situation?

But then, something truly amazing happened.

During my panic attack, I called my sister. She has dealt with anxiety, and she’s my go-to gal. She is able to help me calm down. BUT, she was busy! Oh great! Now I am alone.

I remembered that another sister of mine had panic attacks as well. I don’t enjoy sobbing on the phone to everyone, but this felt like an emergency, and I needed someone. She picked up, and only after one ring. The water works began, like gushing hoses. She encouraged me, guilt free. She shared with me how she had needed medicine to help her during a particularly difficult season in life. Sometimes our brains misfire, and we need assistance to get through.

I decided it was time to seek medical help.

I had an appointment scheduled with my holistic doctor, but it wasn’t until next week Wednesday – 9 days away. Waiting is difficult with panic attacks – maybe I am supposed to grow in patience 🤷🏻‍♀️ – … I called their office again and left a message. I cried in desperation for anything they could give me in the meantime.

I had been away from the family, trying to calm down from this panicky feeling, for the past hour. I had relaxed a bit, but was still very frazzled. I quoted scripture, I did breathing exercises, but I was still having lies and panic flood my brain, leading to more physical issues.

I called my DO’s office. I was transferred to the nurse triage. The voice on the line was that of a cheerful, calm, sweet woman. I sensed, through the conversation, that she was also a believer. She comforted me, and shared how she has mental illness and has needed medication. Like my sisters reminded me, sometimes a chemical imbalance takes place. This should not bring guilt or shame. Just like other illnesses, it can just happen. I got an appointment scheduled for two days later (Wednesday).

The nurse challenged me to set up a “panic game plan” for when I feel another attack coming. In some cases, you may need someone to come and help with the kids. I called my mom. She quickly responded she’d love to help and has a pretty free calendar for the next few weeks.

I then called my homeschool Director. I nervously and sheepishly explained, that I was not able to commit to tutoring my class on Friday’s community day. I felt terrible and embarrassed. She responded with such love and understanding that I cried even more. Not only did she say that she will ask someone else to cover the next couple weeks, but she also said that she will assign other moms to be my children’s guardians on those days, so I can drop them off and have alone time. Wow!

As I left the confines of my room, I felt guilt that I had needed so much time away from the children that evening. My husband called them all to me and asked if they were disappointed in me or thought I was a bad mother. They replied that they understood and had been praying for me, and thanked me for being such a great mom. -more crying- (Really, with the amount of crying I’ve done in the past couple weeks, I am surprised I’m not a shriveled raisin. 😂)

I was so concerned of judgment, I never expected all of the love and care everyone was showing me.

The next morning, I received some texts and calls, all within a matter of an hour.

It started with a FB message from a friend I haven’t spoken to in years. She shared how she was praying and thinking of me after reading my anxiety post. I got a similar message from another woman at my church. Then my good friend (the director) texted and said her daughter wanted to give me her spot with the holistic doctor. We were mid-conversation when that very holistic office called me, and said that they could move my appointment up to this Thursday – 6 days earlier than originally scheduled. Then I got another call from my primary care office: One of the doctors had read my note the triage nurse left, and wondered if I would like to be seen today! Yes please!

Finally, my eyes were opened:

Tabitha, I will never leave you nor forsake you. I love you. I will provide. See how I care for you, my child. My plans are higher than your plans, and My thoughts are higher than your thoughts. Look at what I have done.

Your Heavenly Father

1- I now have two sisters who I can talk to who know how I feel. You are not alone. You are loved.

2- Out of the 74 triage nurses who could have taken my call, I got the one who is a Christian and has mental illness. You are not alone. I will provide. 

3- I have family who will drop what they are doing to help if I (drop my pride 🤦🏻‍♀️, and) ask. And my mom, who normally is super busy, has two weeks completely free. You are not alone. You are loved. I will provide.

4- The homeschool family is just that; a family. They care for the individuals before the education. Another sub will graciously and eagerly step in and fill my place. I will have 3 hours to care for myself. You are not alone. You are loved. I will provide. 

5- I saw godly growth in my children. As a mother, this is one of the greatest of all blessings. They understood I was going through something, and they knew where to turn: to the One who heals. You are not alone. You are loved. My plans are higher than your plans. 

6- 2 friends sent texts of encouragement. You are not alone. You are loved. 

7- One right after the other, my appointments were moved closer. I will provide.

God’s blessings are not unique to me. No! This is how it is for each of us! I had been so focused on myself, and my guilt and pity and anger, that I forgot to see what God was doing! He heard each of my cries. And He interceded for me when I didn’t have the words. His promises are true! Everything He does is to bring us closer to Him, for His glory. There can be peace and joy amidst the hurricanes. I need to stop being like Peter – who in seeing the size of the waves crashing around him, took his eyes off of the One who controls the storm. Forgive me.

Abba, Father,

I thank you for the greatest gift of all; your son Jesus Christ. I thank You for Your genuine and unwavering love – full of compassion and mercy. I praise You for taking our cares, for You care for us. Thank You that You will never leave us. Even when we don’t understand, You are taking the mess, and using it for Your glory. Remind us of Your blessings, for they are there, if only we pause and look.

We pray all these things in Jesus’ most powerful name,

Amen.

Deuteronomy 31:6-8, 1Peter 5:7, Hebrews 4:16, Micah 7:7, Psalm 55:22, Romans 8:28, Philippians 4:6-7, Isaiah 41:10-13, Matthew 14:22-36, 1 Kings 18-19, Psalm 103

I’ve contemplated writing this post. I knew one day I would, but I wanted to write once I’d overcome the battle.

But then I remembered that the whole point of this blog is to shed more light on my imperfections, and vocalize my struggles. So here it goes.

I battle anxiety.

I am writing this in the midst of the war. I literally just hung up the phone with my sister. I have tear streaks through my no-longer pretty makeup. My lipstick and mascara are smeared. I’m told I’m quite approachable, but goodness me! If you saw me now, you’d run the other way. “That girl’s got issues. What a mess!”

Naturally, we don’t want our peers and close friends to see our flaws. It’s part of the reason for my anxiety; I want to appear like I’ve got it all together. But what a huge lie! I believe there is freedom in admitting our shortcomings.

It reminds me of some of the toughest physical training I have gone through. In high school, we had one of the toughest volleyball coaches. Practices were exhausting. She would push us to our breaking points. But from there, we turned a corner to growth in both strength, and endurance. This is how I see myself in God’s hands. “I am kneeling before you; broken. I need You to mend the cracks and build me up even stronger.”

Here’s my very real, and in this very moment, mess:

1 – I need to be the perfect mom.

2 – I can’t be sick. I need to be there for my kids.

3 – I am the only one who can care for my kids.

4 – If I ask for help I am a failure or judged as such.

5 – If anything happens to me, my kids will be left completely alone and will have a depressed and terrible life.

Yikes… the claustrophobic feeling of fear is pressing in. Ok, time to fight these lies with truth:

1 – I cannot ever be a perfect Mom. Nor should I try to look like one. By putting on this facade I unintentionally push away the opportunity for a deeper connection with others, found through genuine vulnerability. I want to be a person that any one feels comfortable to share with. But opening up begins with me.

2 – We need rest. I need to allow myself breaks while my body, or my brain, is healing and going through things. It’s funny, I just wrote the blog on “rest” and now I need the reminder so soon. My sister reminded me that it is important that our children see us go through struggles. Every part of our lives is a teachable moment. How do I respond to illness? Am I conveying to them that it is ok not to have it all together?

3 – I am not the only one who can care for my kids. The truth is, God has blessed me with a wonderful husband who is able to care for each of their needs. My family and in-laws are all nearby as well.

4 – And to go along with that, I am not a failure, nor do my loved ones think that when I ask for help.

My sister challenged me to think about how I would respond if I was called to help any of my family. I would pack up the kids and pick up their kids and bring them back to my house, or serve them in any way I could, without a second thought. And that is what my Mom means when she says, “Do not hesitate to ask me for help any time. I want to help any way I can.” It is a lie from Satan to make us feel separated and alone when we do not reach out to those who love us.

5 – Finally, “if anything happens to me, my kids will be left completely alone and will have a depressed and terrible life.” I am truly embarrassed to write out this lie, and yet it is the one that causes me so much fear. What a load of hooey it really is! I am angry that I buy into this lie over and over again.

God is holding each and everyone of my children in His gentle hands. Jeremiah 1:5 says, “Before I formed you in the womb I knew you”. Psalm 139 proclaims, “You created my inmost being; You knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Your works are wonderful, I know that full well.” Each of us was formed with love and devotion. AND the writer also wrote not only are we known and loved, but we are never alone. “Where can I go from Your Spirit? Where can I flee from Your Presence?” (Psalm 139:7) My loved ones are infinitely more loved by God than I could ever shower upon them.

God also promises good things for His children.

Romans 8:28. “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose.”

By faith I have to hold on to the truth that whatever happens is for His good and perfect plan. Terrible things happen to good people so often. The question, “why” may go unanswered. It is easy to doubt, and let fear and anxiety win out. Our salvation is found in “faith”.

“Faith is the confidence in what we hope for and the assurance about what we do not see.” Hebrews 11:1

I must trust God at His word. I have to believe that God only allows things to happen that are a part of His good plan. By faith!

I know this is a long post. I apologize. This has been cathartic for me. If you’ve read this far, you must feel similarly. I do hope that my struggles can bring you comfort. It is nice to know you are not alone.

I am so grateful I had my sister to help me “ground” myself with truth. I was almost inaudible the way I was blubbering. And hey, that is ok.

If you don’t have someone you can reach out to, I highly recommend searching for a counselor. A counselor will help give the tools necessary to combat the triggers as they come on. They help sort out our truths from our lies. They also provide comfort and companionship in the moments when you feel so alone. I have a chat planned tomorrow to talk with my counselor. Do not feel shame to ask for help.

Anxiety is not an overnight fix. And that’s ok. I have to give myself grace in the process. Remember, that God gives us storms so that we will grow. The Bible says, ^“Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be matureand complete, not lacking anything.” (James 1:2-4) There is reason for my anxiety. If growth can happen, I shouldn’t rush the process. God will give me the strength to get through it, and I will be made stronger in the end. And through it all, I can experience joy. I look forward to that day, when I can be in the midst of a storm, and I have peace and joy.

“God, please take my mess and turn it into something beautiful. I cast my anxious thoughts and fears at your feet. I know you care for me and my family. I trust in Your renewed mercies and strength for me. I desire to look more like Jesus Christ. I thank You for this storm. I pray that I would grow. I am grateful for the process. Remind me, please, when I feel overwhelmed, of these truths. For I am not alone; not now, not ever. There is freedom! Through it all, I can have peace and joy. It is available and found in Jesus. It is in His most powerful name we pray, Amen.”

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Saviour

“Oceans” by Hillsong

I recently boarded a plane. Before we took off, the flight attendants instructed us on the safety precautions. Flying terrifies me… probably because I have no control over the outcome… but that’s for another post. ☺️

I listened intently, just incase I have to jump out of the plummeting aircraft, I would like a chance of survival. One thing they said stuck out to me. “If you need to put an oxygen mask on your child, make sure you put your’s on first”.

What?! How dare they. My children are so precious to me. I have to make sure they are protected first.

But then it hit me… I cannot help them if I’m losing consciousness. I immediately realized how applicable this is in our day to day lives.

I love my children so much. They are my life. They are naughty, sinful little goobers sometimes, but I wouldn’t trade them for the World. I opt not to work because I do not like being away from them. And when I do work, I do it for my family. I am theirs while they are awake. I mop up messes, runny noses, and defuse arguments. I dress kids, prepare dinner, and teach them. And have I mentioned laundry? The never ending, ever growing, mountain of dirty clothes. Truly a result of sin – for it was only after their disobedience that Adam and Eve were clothed – ergo; laundry is a punishment for sin.

I am constantly pouring into everyone else’s lives… but in so doing, I am draining myself.

This kind of behavior will not be very sustainable. Inevitably, all the ceaseless whining, colds, and arguments leads to a very crabby momma bear. In other words – I lose my temper. All of that pressure builds, like a ticking time bomb. Like Russian roulette, not knowing what will set my stress level over the top.

This would happen, over and over. I remember, a couple years ago, going to my closet and hyperventilating. This was about the same time I started having anxiety attacks. How could all of my efforts to care for my family lead to such unhealthy responses? Wasn’t I being selfless, putting everyone else’s needs before mine?

Over time, and with the help of a godly and wise counselor, I have learned that, just like the flight attendant had instructed, I cannot care for the needs of my children, unless I first take care of my own.

Believe it or not, there is a way to have an unwavering peace and overflowing joy, in all circumstances. It is not found in stores. It is completely free, and at your fingertips. The first and best way to feel equipped and fully ready to handle anything that comes, is through God’s work and power inside of you.

The Bible is packed with promises to help in any and all times of crisis and need.

For I can do all things through Christ, who gives me strength. (Phil 4:13)

Don’t be afraid, for I am with you. Don’t be discouraged, for I am your God. I will strengthen and help you. I will hold you up with my victorious right hand. (Deut 31:6)

He [God] gives power to the weak and strength to the powerless. Even youths will become weak and tired, and young men will fall in exhaustion. But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength. They will soar high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint. (Isa 40:29-31)

I feel the most rested and at peace when I quiet myself and let God lead. I have to stop trying with my own strength and give God the opportunity to work in my life. He gives us more promises to be the strength; our rock in times of need:

Then Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light.” Matt 11:28-30

-Cue my tears- 🥲

How awesome is that? Rejoice with me. What a huge comfort and literal weight lifted off our shoulders. This is what our God wants to do; is waiting to do for each and every one of us! Jesus begins by saying, “come to me”. He never forces us to do anything. He will not take over our hearts and lives without our request.

What peace and joy should corse through us with these realizations. We do not need to leave on a vacation to experience rest. We do not need to leave the confines of our house. Wherever you are, God is also. He waits, eagerly, for you and I to come to Him, for it is through Him, we will find rest.

At last! The final piece of the puzzle.

How To Endure

The statistic, “less than a tenth of resolutions are actually achieved”, does not just happen because people forgot they had made a resolution to begin with. People are not out there making up goals and ripping them up to make the stats more shocking. It is evident to me, through this fact, that following through on a resolution is going to be hard. But the first way to ensure success is to realize just that; this is going to take effort and work. Are you willing to put in the hours, energy, and keep on going?

Go back to your dream board constantly. Update the photos and quotes if you start to bypass it in a routine manner. Keep the spark alive with the daily reminder of what you are working towards. Set up smaller goals along the way to reach the long term goal. Reward yourself at each small milestone you achieve. Make these rewards something that motivates you to work for them. Feel free to change them to drive you when you feel depleted. They do not need to be outrageous or expensive. Find what works to push you.

If you find yourself going back into old habits, do not give up. Do not wait for tomorrow to start. I have “started tomorrow” so many times. The problem there is that there is always another tomorrow. We cannot wait until tomorrow if we are serious about our resolutions. There are no better moments than the present. Even if a little bit is done, it is better than no change at all.

Another thing to remember is to use discernment if sharing the goals with others. A critical key is the need to develop the proper self talk inside of ourselves that becomes our motivator. Accountability parters can be wonderful for so many things. I have a biblical counselor that I value so much. She has helped me to changed my thinking in so many ways. But it is my choice to apply it all.

I cannot blanket all as helpful or unhelpful. But I will say this – each of us has our own “why”. It is our own. Though our “why’s” may be the same as others, the value we place on them may vary.

There also may be those who say they wish us to succeed, yet become horrible cheerleaders once we do. Whatever their reason, it can discourage us to the point that we give up on ourselves. Bottom line – We cannot allow other’s lack of belief to hold us back.

Finally, write out your personal mantra. Write as if you’ve already won and reached your goals. Read through them every night before bed. When the doubt or laziness creeps in, cast them aside. You are capable. Let’s get out there and change the statistics.