My Anxiety – My Mess

I’ve contemplated writing this post. I knew one day I would, but I wanted to write once I’d overcome the battle.

But then I remembered that the whole point of this blog is to shed more light on my imperfections, and vocalize my struggles. So here it goes.

I battle anxiety.

I am writing this in the midst of the war. I literally just hung up the phone with my sister. I have tear streaks through my no-longer pretty makeup. My lipstick and mascara are smeared. I’m told I’m quite approachable, but goodness me! If you saw me now, you’d run the other way. “That girl’s got issues. What a mess!”

Naturally, we don’t want our peers and close friends to see our flaws. It’s part of the reason for my anxiety; I want to appear like I’ve got it all together. But what a huge lie! I believe there is freedom in admitting our shortcomings.

It reminds me of some of the toughest physical training I have gone through. In high school, we had one of the toughest volleyball coaches. Practices were exhausting. She would push us to our breaking points. But from there, we turned a corner to growth in both strength, and endurance. This is how I see myself in God’s hands. “I am kneeling before you; broken. I need You to mend the cracks and build me up even stronger.”

Here’s my very real, and in this very moment, mess:

1 – I need to be the perfect mom.

2 – I can’t be sick. I need to be there for my kids.

3 – I am the only one who can care for my kids.

4 – If I ask for help I am a failure or judged as such.

5 – If anything happens to me, my kids will be left completely alone and will have a depressed and terrible life.

Yikes… the claustrophobic feeling of fear is pressing in. Ok, time to fight these lies with truth:

1 – I cannot ever be a perfect Mom. Nor should I try to look like one. By putting on this facade I unintentionally push away the opportunity for a deeper connection with others, found through genuine vulnerability. I want to be a person that any one feels comfortable to share with. But opening up begins with me.

2 – We need rest. I need to allow myself breaks while my body, or my brain, is healing and going through things. It’s funny, I just wrote the blog on “rest” and now I need the reminder so soon. My sister reminded me that it is important that our children see us go through struggles. Every part of our lives is a teachable moment. How do I respond to illness? Am I conveying to them that it is ok not to have it all together?

3 – I am not the only one who can care for my kids. The truth is, God has blessed me with a wonderful husband who is able to care for each of their needs. My family and in-laws are all nearby as well.

4 – And to go along with that, I am not a failure, nor do my loved ones think that when I ask for help.

My sister challenged me to think about how I would respond if I was called to help any of my family. I would pack up the kids and pick up their kids and bring them back to my house, or serve them in any way I could, without a second thought. And that is what my Mom means when she says, “Do not hesitate to ask me for help any time. I want to help any way I can.” It is a lie from Satan to make us feel separated and alone when we do not reach out to those who love us.

5 – Finally, “if anything happens to me, my kids will be left completely alone and will have a depressed and terrible life.” I am truly embarrassed to write out this lie, and yet it is the one that causes me so much fear. What a load of hooey it really is! I am angry that I buy into this lie over and over again.

God is holding each and everyone of my children in His gentle hands. Jeremiah 1:5 says, “Before I formed you in the womb I knew you”. Psalm 139 proclaims, “You created my inmost being; You knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Your works are wonderful, I know that full well.” Each of us was formed with love and devotion. AND the writer also wrote not only are we known and loved, but we are never alone. “Where can I go from Your Spirit? Where can I flee from Your Presence?” (Psalm 139:7) My loved ones are infinitely more loved by God than I could ever shower upon them.

God also promises good things for His children.

Romans 8:28. “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose.”

By faith I have to hold on to the truth that whatever happens is for His good and perfect plan. Terrible things happen to good people so often. The question, “why” may go unanswered. It is easy to doubt, and let fear and anxiety win out. Our salvation is found in “faith”.

“Faith is the confidence in what we hope for and the assurance about what we do not see.” Hebrews 11:1

I must trust God at His word. I have to believe that God only allows things to happen that are a part of His good plan. By faith!

I know this is a long post. I apologize. This has been cathartic for me. If you’ve read this far, you must feel similarly. I do hope that my struggles can bring you comfort. It is nice to know you are not alone.

I am so grateful I had my sister to help me “ground” myself with truth. I was almost inaudible the way I was blubbering. And hey, that is ok.

If you don’t have someone you can reach out to, I highly recommend searching for a counselor. A counselor will help give the tools necessary to combat the triggers as they come on. They help sort out our truths from our lies. They also provide comfort and companionship in the moments when you feel so alone. I have a chat planned tomorrow to talk with my counselor. Do not feel shame to ask for help.

Anxiety is not an overnight fix. And that’s ok. I have to give myself grace in the process. Remember, that God gives us storms so that we will grow. The Bible says, ^“Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be matureand complete, not lacking anything.” (James 1:2-4) There is reason for my anxiety. If growth can happen, I shouldn’t rush the process. God will give me the strength to get through it, and I will be made stronger in the end. And through it all, I can experience joy. I look forward to that day, when I can be in the midst of a storm, and I have peace and joy.

“God, please take my mess and turn it into something beautiful. I cast my anxious thoughts and fears at your feet. I know you care for me and my family. I trust in Your renewed mercies and strength for me. I desire to look more like Jesus Christ. I thank You for this storm. I pray that I would grow. I am grateful for the process. Remind me, please, when I feel overwhelmed, of these truths. For I am not alone; not now, not ever. There is freedom! Through it all, I can have peace and joy. It is available and found in Jesus. It is in His most powerful name we pray, Amen.”

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Saviour

“Oceans” by Hillsong